Waiting for God

Tom Ballard is put in Bayview retirement home by drunken daughter Marion and her weak husband Geoffrey. Many of the residents are very passive but not retired journalist Diana Trent, whose mission in life is to annoy 'the idiot Baines' - Harvey Baines, the home's manager. Initially she thinks Tom is rather dotty but when he tries to organize the residents into action against the home's poor food she knows she has found an ally.

Diana rows with chief carer Jane for calling her a senior citizen and Tom does his best to ignore Marion and Geoffrey. Diana's niece Sarah has left her Porsche at the home so Diana drives Tom to Brighton in it. Harvey Baines reports it missing and the couple are stopped by the police but explain that Diana has her niece's permission to use it and Harvey is threatened with arrest for wasting police time.

Tom really thinks that he won't have to wait for God much longer when he says he is dying and is rushed to hospital. He is discovered to have had a heart attack but he becomes very depressed and talks about suicide,writing 'die on Thursday' in his diary. In order to talk him out of what she believes to be his plan to end it all Diana threatens to join him.

Tom is going to the christening of his nephew and wants Diana to accompany him but she is not keen because her arthritis is playing her up. Because she failed to declare it on her application form, Baines tries to get her evicted from the home. Tom doctors a 'naughty' photo of Baines to blackmail him into changing his mind but Diana uses her old press contacts to 'persuade' the committee to let her stay.

Jane wants to become a nun so Baines sacks her and brings in stern German matron Greta Mueller, who is a tyrant and tells Sarah where Diana hid the Porsche. Tom cons Baines into making him the head of the Residents' Association and gets up a petition, which Baines thinks is to get rid of Diana, so he signs it. Actually it's to get rid of Greta, so he is forced to fire her and reinstate Jane.

Baines decides that if Diana and Tom are seen to be mentally incompetent it will give him power of attorney over them and end all his troubles, particularly as the home is in financial difficulties. So he refers them to psychiatrist Dr.Darrow, for whom they act out a well-rehearsed pantomine of odd behaviour, leading the doctor to conclude that they are not mad, just a touch eccentric, with unexpected help coming from Sarah.

Following the death,alone, of a resident, Tom puts himself forward as a counsellor to aid and comfort the terminally ill. A new female resident arrives and has afternoon delight with old Basil. Some time later Basil seems to be dying and Tom rushers to counsel him but he is merely suffering from exertion after sex with the lady. However, the lady dies and Tom organizes a splendid send-off for her.

Tom is depressed because he is missing his late wife but Marion and Geoffrey are not keen to have him home on respite. He turns his attentions to Diana and suggests that they shack up together, a proposition that offends her so much that she has a partition built between their two rooms. Her mood is not helped by the arrival of new resident Daisy, who has a strong personality like herself and with whom she soon clashes, though Tom gets on well with her.

Baines threatens Diana with expulsion unless she removes the partition but they both have more pressing matters to consider as Daisy becomes completely domineering, taking over the home with her ideas and threatening to get current staff sacked. Finally, Tom organizes a revolt against her, causing her to leave . . . and Diana to remove the partition.

Resident Betty claims that her sewing basket has gone missing and Tom and Diana decide to investigate. Not fully believing Betty's story they follow her and Tom intervenes when they see her apparently shop-lifting. Tom is arrested and conducts his own court case, being found not guilty of theft, but guilty of contempt of court. Later, Diana recalls that she had the sewing basket all along, having borrowed it from Betty and forgetting she still had it.

Tom 's belief that one should always tell the truth offends Jane, who has made herself look glamorous to appeal to Baines and Tom says she looks hideous. He also upsets Marion by telling her what he thinks of her, leading to a big row. Sarah introduces her boy-friend Sam, who is looking for investors for his proposed beauty salon franchise, but Diana and Tom suspect he is a con-man and Tom - to make his peace with Marion - 'persuades' Sam to let his daughter run her own beauty salon for free.

Diana falls and breaks her hip whilst throwing a brick at the home's incompetent South American gardener. She is taken to hospital where she rows with the Welsh doctor over a hip replacement operation and Sarah, about to marry Sam, comes to visit. Sarah knows that Diana dislikes Sam and wonders if she will try to stop the wedding..or even attend. In the end Diana turns up for her niece's big day, using a Zimmer frame. Marion, meanwhile, is not making a success of the beauty shop and Tom suggests Sam take back the franchise.

Depressed vicar Dennis Sparrow is conducting the funeral of ex-Bayview resident Jimmy, but is making heavy weather of the eulogy and later he tells Tom and Diana that he is losing his faith. Geoffrey is back with Marion but their life is far from being a bed of roses and it's suggested Dennis tries to help them sort out their marriage. Not long afterwards Geoffrey announces that Marion and the vicar are now living together in Wales. Baines, meanwhile, is looking for a wife - a plan which involves Jane, though, sadly for her, not as a possible candidate, but as a helper.

Blaming Tom for introducing Marion to Dennis Sparrow, Geoffrey asks him to baby-sit his two children Skye and Tarquin, but they are little monsters who run rings round them. Fortunately, Diana is on hand to put them in their place. Baines decides to try computer dating to find his wife but Jane decides to put her oar in.

It's April and yet it's still very cold so the residents do not appreciate it when Baines turns off the central heating and suggest the residents go jogging to keep warm. Tom and Diana decide to get jobs to get out of the icy-cold home. Tom gets a job working with Geoffrey, but he is such a pain that ,in order to get rid of him, Geoffrey pays Baines to put the heating back on.

Baines meets a girl-friend, Lucy Maitland, at the hunt ball. His mother is coming to visit before going to stay with his sister so Jane poses as Lucy Maitland to put Mother off Harvey's new fiancee whilst Tom and Diana ham it up mercilessly pretending to be Baines' parents talking to Lucy. The result is that Lucy does not stay around and Jane has got her Baines back all to herself.

After she has been accused of selfishness, Diana goes to work as a volunteer at a charity for elderly people and takes up the cause of an old lady about to be evicted by unscrupulous estate agent Janet Follett. Diana learns that Ms. Follett is Baines' new girl-friend and she has plans for Bayview which will not go down well with the residents. With a little help from Tom and her media background Diana sets out to expose Ms. Follett.

Resident Dave Cartwright has died and at the wake the drink flows freely amongst the inhabitants of Bayview. Tom and Diana certainly have knocked it back and next morning wake up in bed together. Jane is shocked but Tom suddenly becomes very popular with the ladies in the home's bowling team.

Diana is horrified to find that she is unaccountably in the red and goes up to London to cause a fuss, only to discover that all her investments have gone into receivership. Back in Bayview, Tom's room is suffering from severe rising damp so Tom comes up with a solution that will sort things out for them both. They will live together in one large room. Diana accepts this but draws the line at being carried over the threshold.

To Jane's disapproval, Diana and Tom are now living in sin, or rather together, but already they start arguing, since they can't decide whose furniture they should be using. A new resident, Mrs. Kent from Gwent, arrives. She is withdrawn and nervous so Tom and Diana put on an act of being very happy together in order to bring her out of her shell. As it happens they do get a result - but only when she sees what they are really like.

Living together is not the bed of roses that Tom and Diana were expecting. He criticizes her sloppiness and her funny little ways, such as feeding acorns to squirrels with a sling-shot. She decides to move out and goes to stay with Sarah to be a nanny to baby Diana but this is not her forte. Tom misses her, especially when Geoffrey decides to move in with him again.

Geoffrey is getting on Tom's nerves with his obsession with shelves, which he keeps putting up all over the unit and it's a blessing when he gets a call from Marion, asking him to get back with her. Tom is not the only resident missing Diana as she is seen as a source of advice, but Diana herself, a thoroughly incompetent nanny, is missing Bayview and, after ruining a fashion show goes 'home' to Tom.

Whilst Mr. Kwok demonstrates karate to the Bayview males, who vie with each other to impress Jane, Tom is introduced to Jane's psychic, Marjorie Evans, and asks to be put in touch with his dead wife. A seance is duly organized, but Marion has bribed the medium to give a fake message, saying that Tom's wife disapproves of his relationship with Diana. Diana,however, exposes the plot.

A promotional video is being made to extol the virtues of Bayview and several residents are to have speaking parts, including Basil, who sees himself as the new James Bond, Tom and Jenny. The excitement is such that few will heed Diana's view that it is just another money-making scam by the idiot Baines - except Tom, who joins her in sabotaging the project by substituting footage of Marion and Geoffrey giving a rather more realistic look at life.

Diana visits Tom in hospital. His operation to clear his prostrate cancer has been a success and he returns to Bayview with her. Unfortunately Geoffrey, who has had yet another falling-out with Marion, decides he wants to move in with them again. Baines is rejected by an exclusive golf club because he is unmarried.

Baines is hiring Mr. Nakamura, a Japanese hotel consultant, to advise on the building of a new,space-saving wing to be built at Bayview - thereby enabling him to pack in more residents. Tom starts the Bayview Conservation Society, eventually enlisting Diana, to demonstrate that any such building would damage the wildlife and the natural environment, thus stopping the plan from going ahead.

A letter from the mayor's office suggests that a royal personage will be gracing Bayview with a visit. Diana, already even more crotchety than ever, due to a painfully swollen foot, does not share Tom's monarchist views and holds forth on the pointlessness of the royals. Just as predictably the royal visit turns out to be very much less 'royal' than expected.

Diana's foot shows no sign of healing and Tom is anxious for her to see a doctor. For all of her brash facade she is reluctant to seek medical advice in case she is given the worst possible scenario. However, she complies and is told that she has diabetes and must alter her diet. A relieved Tom proposes. Baines also proposes to Jane, in order to get his golf club membership, but she turns him down.

Diana and Jane are both taken aback by the bizarre ways of men, following their respective marriage proposals. Tom's proposal to Diana has brought on a shock and she collapses and is taken to hospital. Jane's decision that she will become a nun after all has tempted Harvey to consider joining the priesthood.

A combination of genuine feelings for Jane, whom he is used to having around, plus the desire to still join the golf club, causes Baines to become a priest of the Order of the Flaming Sword of Las Vegas - by post.