Breaking News: No Laugh Newsroom

Our reporters have no idea what they're about to read off their Teleprompter. If they laugh, they lose.

The only news team that doesn't know what they're about to read is back with an alarming teen trend.

Ally, Grant, Trapp, and Emily Axford are here with all the info you could ever need on bed bugs and much, much more.

The no-laugh newsroom returns with a breaking report on a thicc-ass bird. You turd it fear cursed.

Amy Vorpahl and Erika Ishii's top story tonight: Mike Trapp is a little bitch.

John Milhiser and Jess Ross break a scandal about a sexy photo on a computer in Japan.

Shukri Abdi and Tao Yang report on summertime fun while Jess does the impression of her life.

Brian Huskey and Raph are a father-son news team with issues to work out (on air).

Lauren Lapkus and Mary Holland dive deep in the local business of a lame town.

Patrick McDonald and Katie Marovitch try to cancel teeth, but get distracted by their side projects.

Raph & Carolyn hold weights and wear a mouth prop for the entire episode. The traffic news blows up.

Carolyn ignores the weather to pitch her screenplay. Raph tells a starchy story about girl's sports.

Ryan Creamer & Trapp report on a saucy skating event. Elaine Carroll freestyle raps about Netflix.

Grant & Rekha talk hot topics & topical hotness. Ryan Creamer covers a bird birth at a Clippers game.

Grant & Raph report on rabies babies. Zac Oyama shows how many marshmallows can fit in his mouth.

Hulk Jr. improvises a eulogy and Shukri R. Abdi mimes her report on a live nuclear strike.

Jim Carrey and Drew Carey talk Gen Z, while ventriloquist doll Chris Pine offers some food opinions.

The news crew discuss the many insecurities of Grant O'Brien, who has a mouthful of water.

The news crew talks corgi butts, National Call Your Dead Grandma Day, and the Pulitzer surprise.

The crew discuss their non-Hot Ones TV ideas and dying in Lake Penis.

The news crew reflect on the Italian Backstreet Boys, get their fortunes told, and pick up objects.

The new crew brings you the latest on rightwing potato toys, stolen big fat asses, and Meryl Streep.

Alfred and Lily are horny for Sandra Bullock, Amy clowns around, and Christine draws a suspect.

Brennan, Katie, Carolyn, and Sam explore the real Sam Reich.

Lily, Brennan, Erika, and Trapp navigate the uncomfortable world of kissing and oyster shucking.

Sam, Trapp, Katie, and Brennan get to the bottom of when and how they met.

Title says it all.

Carolyn Page, Erika Ishii, Alfred Aquino II, and Becca Scott talk teens, olds, and stagflation.

Lily, Elaine, and Raph examine why Sam wants to buy Tumblr and what exactly is Dropout.tv?

Tao, Carolyn, and Lily investigate why Raph lied about his upbringing.

Erika, Aabria, Carolyn and Becca are here for some good eatin' and good times.

Patrick, Lily, and Raph try to make Katie laugh for a thousand dollars.

Rashawn Scott tells Yo Mama jokes while Grant eats a 2 million Scoville unit chip.

Tao, Katie, and Grant answer a series of questions to win Sam's money.

Sam announces Dropout Gaming and sells his patented Adreno-Nut with accompaniment from Brian's soundboard.

The news team head to the county fair and investigate the world of rodeos.

Ruha explains why the Winter Olympics suck while Ally shows off their dunking skills.

The news team try to pull off a casino heist and it goes as well as you think it does.

Jeremy explains the history of daughters while Patrick has something urgent to say.

The news team show off their comedy skills and learn that Tao can't do a Mid-Atlantic accent.